One of the most fascinating things about Relationship Theory is that two people come together with each partner representing an amalgamation of the other’s primary caregiver’s worst traits in order for the two to begin a healing journey together… Isn’t that simply a perfect set up?
Now the part that goes deep down in the dirt and to the down and dirty gritty nitty of this is the actual experience of said theory and how it plays out.
Needless to say, having recently married, I am lavishing in watching this journey play out…
Here are some of the interesting elements to point out that you have moved into the subconscious reactive mode. Having that information might help you recognize this behavioral pattern in the moment while in the midst of expressing (most likely discontent, and sometimes uncontrolled emotions and behavior similar to that of a two-year-old or of a three-year-old) pause, and move back up into the conscious reflective mind:
- Irrational anger.
- Irrational sudden tears and crying.
- Outburst of irritation with you and your partner using words like “always” and “should”.
- A sudden strong desire to move into your attachment style: a) run away or b) to move closer and closer depending on your particular attachment style.
What helps me in these seemingly impossible moments is to recognize the dynamic at play, acknowledge it, and then start to move towards a healing space where it can be consciously healed RATHER then simply escalating the struggle.
NOW that said, it is waaaayyyyy easier said than done… And I’m thrilled to share with you that it IS possible!!! Some of the tricks I use to help me out of these trigger moments and back into the conscious, rational, reflective mind:
- Deep breath.
- Remove myself to another room and chill for a few minutes.
- Catch myself in the middle of the reactive behavior and recognize it… that often snaps me back!!
I find joy in recognizing my brain moving into behaviors and patterns like selective perception of the brain… the brain will find evidence for our deepest feelings and beliefs… thus… our mind will transmute what our partners say to reflect what’s going on inside us. It might not even be what was physically literally said!! This is fascinating!!!
I saw it happen in action with my mind the other day in a discussion with my husband. I stopped and said: “Wow!! Here’s a perfect example of selective perception of the brain at play” we had great fun with that!
My point here is to find joy and laugh and understand that life is a journey of growth and healing and not stay in the pain suffering and struggle…
I hope this helps my sweet friends and know always that you are not alone that we are all on this journey together! Let me know again if there’s anyway that I can help or if this has helped you.
Big hugs!!! My love to you all.